Last night I stayed up until 3:30 AM finishing a ten page paper on Peter Rock’s My Abandonment (GREAT book), then woke at 7:30 to get my kids up for school. After they left, I had to re-read my paper to make sure it made sense because I was too tired to know if it did last night. Thankfully, it did (I think). Then I rushed to school to take a Women’s’ History final that I crammed for after checking my paper.
And now, I only have one of the Things left to do. I have to finish another (easier and shorter) paper and turn it in electronically by midnight tonight. That is the last Thing required of me to finish my BA in English.
All of a sudden, it hit me, because every semester, all semester long, I look ahead to the next assignment. They’re all in my head, like ok, this Thing is the most urgent, then I will have to do this one, ok this professor offered an extension so that can be pushed back to make room for this other paper, and so on. Now, my schedule has this last paper and nothing behind it. I feel unmoored suddenly! I have been taking classes full time since 2012, and started college originally in 1998. This has been a very long haul, and the end is not just in sight, but right-the-freak-here.
I don’t feel very happy, just worried. I mean, I feel proud and a little happy, but this has provided structure for my life for years. I hope I can continue a life structure myself. I have done really well in the summers, but those had something in view, and books to read to get ahead. I am applying for MFA programs, so let’s hope I get in so I don’t float off into space or something.