On the day Philando Castile died
I knew nothing of it
not his name
which plays in my head repeatedly now
not his face
which I can’t separate from his shirt, white and red
because I was in Disneyland yesterday, you see
with my white family
and we had so much fun
and only used our phones to take smiling pictures
and post them on Facebook
and everything was beautiful.
But now, I know
that Alton Sterling was not enough
and Philando Castile won’t be enough
and nothing will ever be enough
to make up for this sin.
I look into the face of each black person I pass today
but not too closely
fearing to see the fathomless pain
and knowing
I should bow my head instead of looking because
I have a small son
and I don’t worry about him dying like that
Wanting to say sorry but feeling I shouldn’t speak
Into this grief
I am
so sorry
