On the day Philando Castile died

I knew nothing of it

not his name

which plays in my head repeatedly now

not his face

which I can’t separate from his shirt, white and red

because I was in Disneyland yesterday, you see

with my white family

and we had so much fun

and only used our phones to take smiling pictures

and post them on Facebook

and everything was beautiful.

But now, I know

that Alton Sterling was not enough

and Philando Castile won’t be enough

and nothing will ever be enough

to make up for this sin.

I look into the face of each black person I pass today

but not too closely

fearing to see the fathomless pain

and knowing

I should bow my head instead of looking because

I have a small son

and I don’t worry about him dying like that

Wanting to say sorry but feeling I shouldn’t speak

Into this grief

I am

so sorry